another haiku for someone that did not deserve it

when the loverboy in me comes out, why do i always get embarrassed?

if i rolled my eyes at myself any harder, they’d pop out of their sockets.

the nine inch nails and johnny cash both start out singing, “i hurt myself today”. and i guess i start this blog today with that same sentiment.

this one will be short and sweet. but first, some context.

over these last few weeks, i’ve lost my fucking mind. i gave in to every drop of desire and ounce of lust for someone… and it’s been fun. but it’s also been a neverending litany of anxiety. i sleep with someone, the connection is electrifying - and somehow, despite knowing better, my heart and my mind have to conflate the titillation and lust with genuine attraction… and… dare i say? even love? it can’t be.

i’m not gonna lie, i’ve been down this road so many times. it’s ridiculous that i keep falling for the same shit, knowing how it always ends. falling into the same familiar pattern.

i knew from the start that nothing more could develop but lust. i knew it. it was established. yet… here i am. again.

i like feeling like i am after someone. i like the chase. i like to be romantic. but at the same time, i really feel like i have to be in control and when i’m on that romantic vibe… control is the first thing i lose. control of myself, my feelings, my lust, my everything.

i can’t stop thinking about this person. and we have only hung out a handful of times. every time our bodies have collided, it’s been so satisfying and beautiful. i haven’t had this in such a long time. i didn’t even know it was possible anymore for me to feel like this, as if life wearing me down had numbed me somehow, grounding my natural “loverboy” tendencies into powder, into nothing.

so in a fit of pique, i wrote this person a haiku about how much i wanted them. and i sent it to them. i’m not gonna lie, the reaction left much to be desired… yet again.

at least i liked the haiku. and here it is:

untitled

warm beneath my lips,
your skin, a whispered scent -
craving your sweet salt.

if it’s not obvious that i have an oral fixation and my encounters with this person have consistently led to me devouring every part of their body with reckless abandon… well, i hope it shows now.

let’s keep this one between us, shall we?

i’m embarrassed that every time this part of me comes out, it gets met with absolute indifference. maybe i should stop writing haikus for people. or maybe when i do, i should simply keep them to myself.

“well that was totally normal to do. yep,” i tell myself.

i’d prefer if they told me that the haiku sucked.

anyway, mis amores - i hope you’re having a better time than i in your romantic endeavors. please don’t lie to yourself. it’ll cost you everything, every single time. and you won’t be able to see the truth when it’s there.

con amor y verguenza,

edgard 💖