ask this mess: how to adult when friends are living their best lives ππ©
balancing bills, fomo, and friendship without losing your mind
tl;dr: welcome to the first-ever "ask this mess" advice column! today we're tackling the struggle of adulting when your friends seem to be living their best lives. fomo, financial stress, and friendshipβ¦ read on for some real talk about balancing bills and social life without losing your mind (or your friends). check out a round up of last weekβs posts.
hey mi gente! ππ½
so, i've been thinking (dangerous, i know). what if we took all this queer chaos energy and channeled it into something... productive? revolutionary, right? well, hold onto your chanclas, because that's exactly what iβm doing.
introducing: "ask this mess" - the sunday advice column where your favorite queer disaster (that's me!) pretends to have life figured out long enough to maybe, possibly, help you figure out yours. spoiler alert: i don't have it figured out either, but hey, misery loves company, right? π
let's get one thing straight (lol) β i'm not a therapist, life coach, or any kind of certified professional. unless "professional human" is a thing, in which case, i've got decades of experience. what i am is a 37-year-old queer, non-binary, pansexual boricua who's lived everywhere from the beaches of puerto rico to the cornfields of michigan, and somehow ended up in sunny san diego. i've been a republican (yikes, i know), a democrat, broke, less broke, heartbroken, and euphoric. i've faced down homophobia, transphobia, racism, and the existential dread of realizing i'm officially too old to understand tiktok dances or to figure out the origin of the demure meme. (iβm still recovering from that last one.)
so why am i doing this? because life's too short and too weird to navigate alone. because sometimes you need advice from someone who's just as much of a beautiful mess as you are. and because, despite all evidence to the contrary, i genuinely believe in the power of community, love, and a well-timed chancletazo to the ego. (i need them too!)
want to get advice from me? (aw lawd, help us)
here's how it works:
fill out this form: [link to google form];
wait with bated breath for sunday;
bask in the glow of queer βwisdomβ.
remember, your identity is safer than my attempt at a capsule wardrobe (spoiler: it lasted two days). but please, for the love of janelle monΓ‘e, give yourself a fun alias. "loveable disaster" is already taken (by me, obviously).
so let's dive into our first question, shall we? remember, we're all in this chaotic cosmic dance together. might as well make it a perreo. ππ½β¨
be careful about fomo
today's question hits close to home, mi gente. it's all about that struggle between adulting and actually living life. we're about to get real about money, friendships, and finding joy when your bank account is giving more "meh" than "yass queen."
my dear reader, mala santa, asks:
"I'm secretly resentful of my friend group because they get to go to concerts and parties and things while I'm over here trying to pay my rent. I am trying to be patient for my time to come but I have worked hard my entire life. I have worked to get out of a toxic situation with my family. Worked hard to get my degree. Working hard to keep a roof over my head and not end up on the streets. I want to have fun for once and go to concerts and live my life. Not just survive. I honestly don't know how to tell my friends how resentful I am without coming across like I'm being a brat."
oh mala santa, i feel this in my bones. like, deep in my "i once survived on nothing but mac and cheese for 30 days straight just to keep a roof over my head" bones. π it's soul-crushing to pour your heart, sweat, and tears into adulting, only to watch the needle of progress barely twitch. and thenβbam!βyou open instagram and it's a kaleidoscope of concerts, beach trips, and brunches you can't afford. suddenly, your kraft-dinner reality collides with their champagne-and-avocado-toast fantasy, and the resentment bubbles up like a shaken soda can. trust me, mi amor, i've been there, done that, and got the t-shirt (second-hand, of course). π§πΎβ‘οΈπ
lists are my jam, and i've discovered a secret: when someone drops knowledge in neat, organized bullet points, my adhd brain actually pays attention and retains the information. so hereβs what i think:
celebrate your wins, boo: you got out of a toxic situation! you earned that degree! you're keeping a roof over your head. in the words of the great cardi b, "little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to." π π½ you're doing amazing, sweetie. i donβt know you - but i know how hard all of this is and i just have to say: iβm fucking proud of you.
reframe that fomo: my therapist, when she realizes i am going down a dark path, always says βreframe!β. instead of seeing your friends' fun as a reminder of what you're missing, try to see it as a preview of what's coming. you're building a foundation now that will let you party harder and smarter later.
you sound like someone who is clear in their purpose. remember who the fuck you are and why youβre doing this. youβre not depriving yourself because youβre a masochist (if you are thatβs cool too, ngl) but because youβre keeping the ship afloat.
get creative with your fun: who says you need concert tickets to dance like a fool? concerts and trips are nice, yes. but you have so much power in your own hands! start a "broke bitch brunch" tradition. find free or cheap events (trust me, they exist).
talk to your friends: chances are, they have no idea you're feeling this way. try something like, "hey, i love seeing y'all have fun, but i'm feeling a bit left out because of my budget. any ideas for some cheaper hangouts? i miss you."
i know this sounds tacky and shameful as fuck. but hereβs why i say this: your real friends will get it. they see you working hard. the real ones will get it. (or at least i think they should if they truly care about you.)
thereβs probably a better way to say this that would work for your group of friends but donβt dwell on being perfect about it. focus on communicating it lovingly and vulnerably. at that point, you can sincerely say you did the best you could and the reactions are on them.
budget for joy: even if it's just $5 a week, start a "fun fund." watching it grow will give you something to look forward to. i did this during some of my hardest times. there were times that iβd only throw in a dollar! the consistency of dropping something through skinny cow & fat cow times led to the money piling up. i suddenly had a splurge fund.
find your cheap thrills: what makes you feel alive that doesn't cost much? for me, it's blasting bad bunny and dancing in my kitchen while making cafecito. asking my friends to join me in a picnic at old trolly barn park. or even calling up a friend and gabbing like weβre teenagers. whatever it isβ¦ find your thing. romanticize and glamorize the hell out of it.
you donβt know how theyβre paying for this: this is where iβll put my economist hat for a second. itβs possible that your friends are living life swiping everything on credit. you donβt know if theyβre klarnaβing this to hell and back. experian says that consumer debt in the u.s reached $17.1 trillion in 2023. credit card balances towards the end of 2023 alone were $1.13 trillion, according to the fed in new york. and thatβs up from $986 billion the year before. while your friends could be ruining their credit, youβre building yours. (i hate how much i sound like mami right now.) your future self is going to thank you.
remember: your worth isn't measured in concert tickets or instagram stories. it's in the strength it took to get where you are, the resilience you show every day, and the heart you bring to your friendships. you're not just surviving, mi amor. you're building. and one day, you'll look back on this time and think, "damn, i was a badass."
we are in a culture and a world that is so rapaciously consumerist and capitalistic. a lot of βvalueβ is created in image, in creating what people want others to perceive about them. social media has hyperbolized that so muchβ¦ but we never see the behind the scenes of the champagne popping on an instagram story, the selfies with an artist at the vip event, or whatever extravagant thing people are doing these days.
but you know you. and youβre doing the best you can with what you have. and at least when you finally get to sip some veuve on insta, it wonβt be on credit. be gentle with yourself. intentionally find joy in the small things - and be cheesy about it, unrelenting, unrepentant. know that your time is coming. oh, and please resist the urge to swipe the credit card to keep up. that one is a losing battle if iβve ever heard one.
now, mis amores, iβm gonna turn to you. what do you think? what's one small, free thing you can do this week that will bring you joy?
let's brainstorm in the comments, and hopefully mala santa will feel better supported. and honestly, sometimes the best parties are the ones we create for ourselves. ππ½β¨
hasta la prΓ³xima, bellezas! βπ½π
edgard π
p.s. if you're feeling really down about this, don't be afraid to reach out to a therapist or counselor, too. many offer sliding scale fees. your mental health is worth the investment.
p.p.s. and if you ever need a virtual dance party buddy, hit me up. i've got a playlist that can cure even the worst case of the "adulting sucks" blues. πΆπyou can be the judge of it yourself, mala santa:
this last week in edgard
the you donβt know how theyβre paying for it piece is SO REAL the amount of times i found out ppl were in crazy credit card debt and/or that their credit card bills were wiped away from the bank of mom & dad made me feel so much better during skinny cow times. iβll take my 798 credit score over a βcool instagramβ ANY DAY OF THE WEEK π β¨ (bonus thought: i love the skinny cow fat cow analogy)