ask this mess: becoming your own person (even when it hurts) 💔🦋

navigating independence, boundaries, and the ache of growth

tl;dr: embarking on the journey of self-independence is messy, beautiful, and sometimes lonely af. but with the right tools – from embracing your quirks to mastering the art of self-dating – you can bloom into the badass, independent soul you were meant to be.

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Photo by Chela B. on Unsplash

hey mi gente! 👋🏽

let's talk about independence.

the truth about becoming your own person? the best way i can put it is this: it's a daily battle against the ghosts of your upbringing, the demons of societal expectations, and the siren song of people-pleasing. it's not a place you arrive at, but a relentless journey that only ends when you do.

becoming your own person is something that i think you’ll be doing every day until you die. and that’s just because we change, a lot. to not evolve or change is, quite literally in many cases, to die.

i think that if most people did some form of word association exercise with that word, we’d get a lot of words that would be rooted in individualism, in the whole “lift yourself up by your bootstraps” romanticization. but real independence is messier than a toddler's art project and twice as likely to make you cry. part of it is realizing that you've been assembling your life like ikea furniture without instructions.

today, we're going to dive into the deep end of self-discovery, thanks to a question that hit me right in the feels.

becoming your own person 101 🎓

my dear reader, “tina turner”, writes:

"My Dearest Eddy, what are some of the ways you have worked on your own self independence? What have you figured out works best for you on your journey towards being your own independent person? And how have you managed the times you feel alone or miss someone you shouldn't miss anymore? I am finally having things click for me more now than I did even a few months ago, and I feel more secure in my journey than I did before. And I'm proud of myself for being at this point, for having stronger boundaries with others and certain things in my life. But the thing i would say I struggled with the most was setting those boundaries with myself and sticking to them. I'm learning what it means to be my own person now, and now I'm also medicated for adhd so that helps lol! But I guess I wonder if you have advice for that very very beginning moment of becoming your own independent person. Thank you so much for reading my thoughts and I can't wait to hear what you have to say!"

oh, belleza. first of all, can we take a moment to celebrate you? 🎉 you're asking these questions, you're setting boundaries, you're figuring out your adhd meds, healing from hurt – that's not just growth, that's a whole damn garden blooming. you should be proud.

now, let's dive into this independence thing. because titi edgard's got some wisdom to drop.

the edgard portela guide to becoming your own damn person 💁‍♂️

1. embrace your quirks like they're designer labels 👑

you know those weird little things about you that you've always tried to hide? maybe you sing showtunes in the shower or have an encyclopedic knowledge of 90s cartoon intros. guess what? those aren't flaws, they're features. they're what make you, well, you.

i used to be embarrassed about my obsession with "the crown." now? i'll proudly quote princess margaret at brunch and debate the historical accuracy of season 4 with anyone who'll listen. i can talk ad nauseum about the abdication and about the rod of equity and mercy. (who doesn’t love a solid rod?) shit! i’m tellin’ on myself now. but see? your quirks are your superpowers – wear them like a fabulous, sparkly cape. (and we should have had an episode about princess anne’s kidnapping attempt! what a missed chance to tell a great story.)

2. master the art of self-dating 💐

here's a revolutionary idea: treat yourself like someone you're desperately in love with. take yourself out to dinner. buy yourself flowers. write yourself love notes. hell, set up a whole ass candlelit bath for yourself complete with rose petals and sinatra playing in the background. (or erykah badu!)

i once spent an entire saturday at balboa park, sketching terrible drawings of the plants and pretending i was a misunderstood artist in 1920s paris. was it ridiculous? absolutely. did i have the time of my life? you bet i did.

thi is how you set the standard in your mind of how you should be treated. show yourself how good feels, so when it arrives in your life you can cherish it. and i don’t know if you are like me, but knowing what’s good helps me discern what’s bad right away.

i can’t emphasise enough how important this one lesson is. this is a calibration of your bullshit meter. keep calibrating, bitch. 😜

3. set boundaries like you're building a fortress 🏰

boundaries aren't just about saying "no" to other people – they're about saying "yes" to yourself. decide what you need to thrive and protect it fiercely. maybe it's a non-negotiable morning meditation, or a sacred "no plans" sunday.

for me, it's my writing time and my time in the gym. i've learned to guard this time like a dragon guards its hoard. friends, family, and even cute men on grindr know that when i'm in the zone, i'm as unreachable as the last pringle in the can.

the thing is, independence is sovereignty - your ability to make decisions for yourself. boundaries are part of that decision making. think of it as the standards that you set for yourself, what you accept and don’t accept of the world and others.

4. dance like everybody's watching (but you don't give a fuck) 💃

there's something incredibly liberating about putting on your favorite jam and just letting loose. i'm talking full-on, no-holds-barred, "i'm alone in my apartment and i'm gonna twerk like my life depends on it" dancing.

or honestly, you don’t even have to dance - you just have to move. move your body, enjoy the music, sway - do something! the university of sydney recently did a study that “dancing may be better than other exercise for improving mental health”.

i’m attaching my own dance party playlist as a starting point if you need one… honestly this has also become my workout playlist because of how much it pumps me up. hope it helps, honey.

5. fall in love with your own company 😘

being alone doesn't have to mean being lonely. learn to enjoy your own company. have deep conversations with yourself. laugh at your own jokes. be the witty, charming companion you've always wanted – for yourself!

i've started narrating my life like i'm in a indie film. okay, i didn’t just start… i’ve talked to myself all my life. employing that in life narration just seemed like the obvious next step. "edgard stared at the empty fridge, wondering if caramel reese’s and a yerba mate can could constitute a balanced meal. spoiler alert: it could not." (yes, i keep my reese’s cups in the fridge) it's ridiculous, but it makes even the mundane moments feel cinematic. and it keeps my roommate at bay. (because he probably thinks i’m crazy.)

6. build your own damn support system 🌟

independence doesn't mean isolation. surround yourself with people who gas you up, challenge you to grow, and love you for exactly who you are. find your tribe, your chosen family, your ride-or-dies.

when i moved to san diego, i knew exactly no one. so i joined every queer community club i could. i thought about what i care about, and sought souls in those places. that’s how i became involved in kiwanis here in hillcrest, how i became a board member for the now-defunct hillcrest town council, and how i’ve just… gotten so involved, period! and now? i've got a squad that would make the avengers look like amateurs.

you don’t have to follow my exact path, because i’m low key an aspiring politician. or more like an policy maker/shaper, at the very least. so i took a path of civic involvement, of activism, because it’s what my heart always wanted me to do. locate your passions (whatever stirs your feelings), and pursue it relentlessly. it is there that you will find people that are like you, that value the same things, and seek the same kind of personal fulfillment. find your paradise people and hold on to them.

7. embrace the suck (sometimes it really does suck) 😢

here's the tea: sometimes being independent feels amazing. other times? it feels like you're lost in a foreign country where you don't speak the language.

those moments when you miss someone you shouldn't? when you're tempted to text your ex or call your toxic friend? that's when you need to lean into your independence the hardest. feel the feelings, cry if you need to, but remember – you're strong enough to weather this storm on your own.

i keep a "why i'm awesome" list on my phone for these moments. or a list of wins and things to be thankful at the end of every journal entry. it includes gems like "can make a mean arroz con gandules" and "once made kimbra smile" (okay, she was on stage and probably couldn't even see me, but still, it counts).

the messy truth about independence 🎭

here's the thing, mi amor – becoming your own person is not a destination. it's a journey. sometimes that journey feels like you're walking uphill, in the snow, barefoot, while carrying a piano on your back.

there will be days when you nail it, when you feel like the main character in your own epic movie. and there will be days when you feel like an extra who accidentally wandered onto the wrong set.

both are okay. both are part of the process.

the key is to keep showing up for yourself, day after day. to keep choosing yourself, even when it's hard. especially when it's hard.

remember, you're not just becoming independent – you're becoming you. and that's the most beautiful, messy, glorious thing you can be.

so go forth, my little butterfly! spread those wings. take up space. make noise. be unapologetically, gloriously you. the world is waiting for your unique brand of magic.

your turn, mi gente. 🎤 now, i want to hear from you. what's your go-to self-independence move? how do you celebrate your quirks?

drop your wisdom in the comments – your experience could be the exact thing someone else needs to hear.

until next time, may your boundaries be strong, your self-love be fierce, and your dance moves be utterly ridiculous.

con todo mi amor y un chorro de glitter,

edgard 💖✨

p.s. if you're struggling with loneliness or missing someone, remember: it's okay to reach out for help. therapy, support groups, or even a heart-to-heart with a trusted friend can work wonders. you may be independent, but you're never truly alone.

p.p.s. and if all else fails, blast "i will survive" by gloria gaynor and have your own personal dance party. trust me, it's scientifically impossible to feel sorry for yourself while doing the disco finger point. 🕺✨

p.p.p.s. i think my music-based worldview is really showing in this post, haha.