ask this mess: i'm not your secret keeper (but i kinda am) 🤐💣

navigating the minefield of friendship, secrets, and the art of graceful exits

Sep 01, 2024

tl;dr: caught in a web of secrets and toxic friendships? learn how to navigate this ethical minefield with, at least, a little grace. from setting boundaries to mastering the art of saying "no," discover strategies for curating your circle without losing your soul. spoiler alert: it's messy, but your sanity is worth it.

grayscale photo of woman doing silent hand sign — Photo by Kristina Flour on Unsplash

hey mi gente! 👋🏽

let's talk about secrets.

i've got a confession to make: i'm a secret magnet. seriously, it often feels like i've got a neon sign floating above my head that screams "tell me your deepest, darkest thoughts!" maybe it's my face (resting therapist face?), or maybe it's because i've perfected the art of the sympathetic head tilt. or because i try to show people a little respect and empathy consistently. whatever it is, people spill their guts to me faster than a drunk tío at a family bbq.

and let me tell you, it's exhausting.

don't get me wrong, i'm honored that people trust me. but sometimes? sometimes i feel like i'm drowning in other people's stories, other people's pain, other people's mess. it's like being the designated driver at life's endless, messy party.

when i lived in washington, dc, i was once at a fancy republican political soiree being held at union station. this was in 2014, and the republicans had just picked up 9 seats in the senate and 13 in the house. it was a huge party. i was sipping on my overpriced champagne, trying to look important, when a colleague (emphasizing this, we were not close at all) cornered me by the fancy cheese platter. "edgard," he slurred, clearly three sheets to the wind, "i needs to tell ya something."

and then they proceeded to spill a secret so juicy, so potentially career-ending, that i nearly choked on my brie. suddenly, i was holding a ticking time bomb of information, and all i wanted was to enjoy my damn cheese in peace. (the old times in which my body handled dairy well…) thankfully, his so-called political career did not last long.

today we're diving into the murky waters of friendship, secrets, and the art of gracefully extracting yourself from other people's drama in “ask this mess”.

navigating messy friendships 🕵️‍♂️

today's question comes from "bernie sanders' left mitten" (iconic name, btw). i felt this one deep in my bones. as someone who'd struggle to navigate this minefield of a situation, i knew i had to address it. so, let's dive in, shall we?

my dear reader, bernie sanders' left mitten, writes:

how do i handle interacting with people that think they are friends with me but i know things they don't know i know about them and protect the anonymity of the ppl who have told me the things (with receipts 🙃) it's like not worth the energy and potential blow up of being like "i know what you did" more for the sake of people who shared things with me in confidence than for my sake, although i am conflict avoidant by nature

do i ghost? do i block? do i pretend to know nothing?

mostly want to save myself from being dragged into drama i shouldn't be involved with (yet again) and am being much more intentional about who i give my energy to and befriend

oof, mi amor. this situation is messier than my tía's house after a hurricane of primos comes through. you're caught between a rock and a hard place, or as we say in puerto rico, "entre la espada y la pared" (between the sword and the wall).

here's the thing: you're not just dealing with drama, you're dealing with an ethical dilemma. on one hand, you've got these people thinking you're friends. on the other, you're sitting on a pile of receipts that would make even the most drama-hungry messy bitch blush.

dr. esther perel, relationship expert extraordinaire, once said, "the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives." but what happens when the quality of those relationships is built on a foundation shakier than my attempt at homemade flan?

the ethical tightrope: a framework for secret-keepers 🎭🤐

here's the deal: i won't bullshit you with a perfect solution. this mess? it'd have me tied up in knots too. and let's keep it real - i'm a hypocrite for even attempting to give advice here. i've been the secret keeper, the drama magnet, and the conflict-avoider. but maaaaaaybe that's why i can offer some hard-earned wisdom.

before we dive into exit strategies, let's break down this ethical mess:

assess the harm: is this tea scalding hot or just lukewarm gossip? if it's potentially dangerous or illegal, you might have a moral obligation to speak up.
consider the source: who spilled the beans and why? are they trustworthy, or stirring the pot for their own agenda?
evaluate your role: did you actively seek this info, or was it dumped in your lap? your level of involvement matters.
weigh the consequences: what's the fallout if you spill vs. if you zip it? consider the impact on all parties involved, including yourself.

remember, some secrets are too toxic to keep. if you're dealing with abuse, illegal activities, or anything that poses a real threat - that's beyond the scope of friendship drama. in those cases, seek help if necessary.

the art of the ethical exit: choose your fighter 🥊

now, let's talk exit strategies. you've got options, mi amor, but none are perfect:

the slow fade: this is ghosting's more polite cousin. gradually reduce contact, be cordial but not warm. it's less jarring, but can drag out the process.
the honest conversation: the hardest but often most rewarding. "i've realized our friendship isn't serving either of us well. i think it's best if we take some space." it's uncomfortable, but it's clean.
the boundary setter: "i care about you, but i can't be involved in [specific behaviors or dramas]. if that continues, i'll need to step back." this gives them a chance to change, but be prepared to follow through.
the redirect: shift the dynamic by changing how you interact. do group hangouts instead of one-on-ones, or focus on specific shared interests/activities.

here's the kicker: there's no perfect exit. i've tried them all, and each has its pros and cons. the key is to choose the method that aligns with your values and the specific situation.

radical honesty: your secret weapon 🗡️

now, let's talk about the tea you're carrying. this is where it gets tricky. holding onto others' secrets while trying to distance yourself is like trying to salsa with your shoelaces tied together. it's a recipe for face-planting.

here's my hard-learned advice:

protect the innocent: if the secret involves a third party who confided in you, i would honor that trust. their vulnerability isn't yours to expose.
set information boundaries: it's okay to say, "i'm not comfortable discussing other people's private matters." repeat as needed.
redirect conversations: when they start spilling tea, change the subject or set a boundary. "i'd rather focus on our own friendship than discuss others."
be prepared for confrontation: if they realize you know something, be ready with a response. "yes, i heard about that, but i don't want to talk about it."

remember, you're not a vault for other people's drama. it's okay to say, "i don't want to be involved in this situation." it's not just self-care, it's ethical care.

the art of self-preservation: curate your circle 🎨

let's celebrate something you said though. this specific bit really gave me a real intention to you and your spirit, it left me quite impressed:

"mostly want to save myself from being dragged into drama i shouldn't be involved with (yet again) and am being much more intentional about who i give my energy to and befriend."

mi amor, this is growth. this is wisdom. lean into this energy hard.

curating your circle is not selfish, it's survival. 🌿✂️ think of yourself as the head gardener in the lush, sometimes overgrown garden of your life. you've got limited water (energy) and sunshine (time). so, why waste it on weeds?

think about it. which friendships are blooming beautifully, and which are choking the life out of your flowerbeds?

set those boundaries like a shield. "cariño, i love you, but i can't be your 24/7 telenovela sidekick." then, redirect that precious energy to the people that water your plants when you're wilting. seek out the ones who make you grow taller, not the ones who keep you in the shade.

queen out with discernment 👑

earlier this year, i ditched the whole "new year's resolution" bs and embraced "commitments" instead. the word "commitment" sounded to me like it didn’t demand my perfection—but my diligent effort. and effort? now, that i can do. perfection can kiss my ass.

inspired by my borderline unhealthy obsession with "the crown" (don't judge), i dubbed these commitments "queen shit." 👑 watching queen elizabeth ii navigate her royal duties, i noticed something: she rarely canceled. instead, she'd say yes or no clearly from the start, wielding that royal discernment like a boss. she knew what she could commit to and what she couldn’t. she knew what she wanted and what she didn’t want.

now, i'm not delusional—being actual royalty probably makes that easier. but it sparked something in me: how about developing the will to be crystal clear, to say yes and no with confidence at the start? that is a direct challenge to our people pleasing tendencies.

let’s ask: would i enjoy myself there? is it healthy for me to be there? will it be a soulsuck - before, during, and/or after? it’s okay to take a pause if you don’t know. be more mindful from the start about the things that you want to say yes or no to, based on your own experiences.

here's what should be our royal decree: “i won't spend a single moment somewhere i'm not enjoying myself.” (inspired by kim cattrall - bless you wherever you are, gurl.)

reactions on X: "this much I know kim cattrall I don't want ... — *Source: @reactjpg; Twitter.*

is this hedonistic? maybe. do i give a fuck? absolutely not. it's about embracing a healthier attitude and leaning into the energy of being careful with your attention and effort. “being much more intentional about who i give my energy to and befriend,” remember? it’s that same energy.

crafting your inner circle isn't just about growth—it's about thriving. so grab those pruning shears and channel your inner queen. from the start, every "no" to drama is a "yes" to your sanity. it might feel awkward at first, but that peace? priceless. 🌺👑🌼

the messy truth: we're all figuring it out 🤷‍♂️

here's the honest-to-god truth, mi gente: i'm still figuring this shit out myself. i've been the secret keeper, the drama magnet, and the conflict-avoider. i’ve lived long enough to be the hero and the villain. i've made mistakes, hurt people while trying to avoid hurting them, and tangled myself in webs of secrets and lies.

but that's the messy, beautiful truth of being human. we're all out here, trying to navigate the treacherous waters of friendship, loyalty, and authenticity. it's complicated, it's often painful, but it's also how we grow.

so whatever you choose - whether you fade, confront, or reimagine your friendships - at least be kind to yourself. you're doing the best you can with a crappy situation. and at the end of the day, that's all any of us can do.

stay strong, stay true, and remember - in the words of my abuela, "no hay mal que por bien no venga" (there's no bad that doesn't bring some good). who knows? maybe this mess will lead you to better, truer friendships in the long run.

hasta la próxima, mis amores! 💖

edgard✊🏽🌈