ask this mess: office crushes and other occupational hazards 💘👔

when your workplace becomes a bisexual romcom (and you're the lead)

tl;dr: crushing on not one but two coworkers? before you turn your office into a telenovela (extra points if laura zapata plays the villain) let's talk about workplace romance, bisexual awakening, and why the heart wants what it wants (even when HR probably doesn't approve).

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Photo by Redd Francisco on Unsplash

hola mis amores,

the first rule of workplace crushes is simple… don't. (i’ve historically called this the “don’t shit where you eat” rule.)

the second rule? definitely don't fall for two coworkers at once.

but here you are – your bisexual heart doing gymnastics every time he walks past your desk looking like a whole snack, while she's in the break room making your coffee maker sound like a spotify lo-fi playlist. suddenly your 9-to-5 feels less like 'the office' and more like season 1 of 'the crown' where princess margaret had to choose between peter townsend and her royal duties. (except instead of the crown, it's your paycheck on the line.)

mi gente, today we're diving into what happens when your workplace becomes the backdrop for your own personal telenovela – except instead of dramatic close-ups and evil twins, you're stuck between the finance department zaddy and the marketing director of your dreams.

the spicy dilemma 🌶️

our dear reader, let's call them "bisexualhotmess," writes:

"i'm crushing on two of my coworkers. one man, one woman. i'm talking, flustered when i'm near them and when i'm their partner, i'm usually quiet bc i don't want to say anything stupid. the guy i'm really just interested in fooling around with, he gives off extreme sex appeal. the woman is someone i'd probably want to wife-up not gonna lie. though neither have shown really any remote interest in me. is it worth still asking? lol"

oh, mi amor. your workplace really said "why choose one type of chaos when you can have both?" (and god, do i deeply relate!)

let me tell you a story about why workplace romances are messier than trying to eat a mallorca without getting powdered sugar everywhere. back in 2012, i was working at a cellphone store in grand rapids, fixing phones and running the office.

one of my coworkers had been flirting with me for weeks – you know, the type of flirting that starts with innocent coffee breaks and ends with both of you knowing exactly what's about to happen.

one night, we got scheduled to close together for the first time in forever. and well... let's just say the phone accessories section gained some interesting energy that evening.

but here's the thing nobody tells you about workplace hookups: the aftermath is worse than a caffeine crash. i spent the next two months jumping every time someone walked into the break room, terrified they somehow knew. work became this pressure cooker of secrets and side-eyes. what started as hot and exciting turned into this soul-crushing anxiety that had me updating my resume at 3 am. i ended up leaving the company because the weight of it all was too much.

so trust me when i say – i get it. i really, really get it. but also? maybe let's learn from my mistakes and not turn your workplace into a telenovela set, yeah?

the office romance reality check 📊

here's some tea that might be hard to swallow: workplace romances are complicated af. according to a 2023 survey by the society for human resource management, while 75% of workers are open to workplace romance, only 25% say they are currently open to being involved in a workplace romance themselves. why? because:

• power dynamics are messier than my abuela's junk drawer

• breakups can turn your daily grind into daily torture

• hr policies exist for a reason (and that reason is usually someone else's messy drama)

• workplace gossip spreads faster than a bad reggaeton remix

the bisexual breakdown 💗💜💙

let's address the bi elephant in the room: crushing on multiple genders simultaneously is our superpower and our kryptonite. but here's what i'm noticing in your letter:

• with him: it's purely physical ("extreme sex appeal")

• with her: you're thinking long-term ("wife-up")

• with both: you're getting tongue-tied and flustered

this tells me you're dealing with two very different types of attraction. it's like comparing "bridgerton" to "normal people" – both are hot, but one's a steamy fantasy while the other's a deep emotional journey.

the strategic approach 🎯

before you turn your workplace into the next viral reddit post, consider these steps:

1. reality check yourself:

• are you genuinely interested or just bored at work?

• could this be a "grass is greener" situation?

• are you ready for the potential fallout?

2. assess the signals:

• have either of them shown any interest?

• is there a company policy about dating coworkers?

• could this affect your professional reputation?

3. consider the consequences:

• best case: amazing romance

• worst case: unemployment + heartbreak

• most likely case: awkward elevator rides until one of you quits

the verdict 🔨

is it worth asking? mi amor, let me be real with you.

if it's just physical attraction, keep it in your spank bank. workplace hookups are like microwaving fish in the break room – someone's gonna get hurt and everyone's gonna talk about it.

if neither has shown interest, start with friendship. build a connection. see if there's reciprocity before you risk turning your workplace into a bisexual soap opera.

your workplace is your income source first, potential dating pool second. don't shit where you eat unless you're prepared to clean up the mess.

survival strategies 🛠️

if you decide to proceed anyway (because let's be real, sometimes the heart wants what it wants), here are some ground rules:

• establish clear boundaries from the start

• keep it professional at work

• have an exit strategy (both romantic and professional)

• document everything (in case things go south)

• consider looking for a new job before making any moves (just in case)

in case you do decide to go this route, i have some reading from you from

Corey Banana

that you would/should probably check out:

Why You Need To Fuck Your Boss

Why You Need to Fuck Your Boss Pt 2

hasta la próxima, mis amores! 💖✊🏽🌈

edgard

p.s. if all else fails, maybe consider joining a gay sports league or downloading hinge? sometimes the best workplace romance is the one that never happens.

p.p.s. and remember what my abuela always says: "mejor sola que mal acompañada" (better alone than in bad company) – especially when bad company can affect your paycheck!