Thank you for this post. I can related in so many different, but similar ways.
My tongue is Portuguese, I work in English, do daily life stuff in German, and can speak some sort of PortuΓ±ol (Portuguese mingled with EspaΓ±ol). People look down on immigrants, but c'mon, learning languages isn't easy!
Such vivid truths here, thank you for sharing. As a fellow immigrant to Western Michigan in the early 2000s, growing up with English as my second language and Meijer run-ins, this was all too relatable.
A fellow West Michigander! So great to know you;ve found this, you understand this all too well. This exact thing. Thanks for commenting and reach out, this made my day.
gracias por compartir tu experiencia tan honestamente. <3 es fascinante cΓ³mo el bilingΓΌismo afecta nuestras mentes y relaciones, ΒΏverdad? ese "rinconcito" en tu mente que habla en otro idioma - lo entiendo perfectamente. es como si nuestros cerebros fueran un collage de idiomas y culturas. y el agotamiento que mencionas cuando estΓ‘s con la gente de tu novio, uff, lo siento en mi alma. es como si estuvieras actuando en una obra de teatro, pero sin guiΓ³n.
This is incredibly touching. Honestly, I want to respond in Spanish, but my Spanish isn't good. I'm also boricua! But I left the island when I was five, and haven't learnt anymore Spanish since. My Spanish (writing and reading wise) is forever stuck at a first grade level, and yet I can't express myself the way I want in English either. I'm stuck between two languages and it's heartening to know I'm not the only one! Gracias por este post, resonΓ³ conmigo π«Άπ½ (excuse the poor spanish LOL)
this was an amazing read. so recognizable. i feel mostly muzzled living in a country where they speak none of the languages i do. i fear i'll leave before i get to master the language well enough to capture quick wit and sharp remarks. And so, indeed, people here will never get to know me
thank you so much for reading and for sharing your experience! i'm genuinely touched that this resonated with you. your comment about feeling "muzzled" hit me hard. it's like walking around with duct tape over your personality. all those quick comebacks and witty observations just... stuck. i totally get that fear of leaving before you've fully found your voice in a new language. it's like you're racing against time, trying to piece together a whole new you before the clock runs out. can i ask - what languages do you speak? and where are you living now? (don't reply if it would be too revealing, i'm just nosy.) i'm curious about how you navigate those linguistic spaces. do you find little pockets where you can be your full self, or is it a constant state of translation?
also that fear you mentioned about people never really getting to know you - man, i feel that in my bones. it's like you're always performing a watered-down version of yourself. thanks again for sharing. it means a lot to know i'm not alone in this linguistic limbo. keep fighting to be heard, in whatever language feels most like home. π
let's just say my own language ('mother tongue' haha even more gross) is germanic, and obviously I speak english, but this new place is roman language all around and they hardly speak english even though they are quite some similarities... somehow the fact that this would be my third and the first feels unfair, but since i'm the foreigner in their country of course that's a childish thought lol. stupidly enough I feel most comfortable writing in english, not my first language. i always wonder how many mistakes are in there
Gracias por expresar esto con palabras. Definitivamente me identifico con tener diferentes personalidades dependiendo del idioma utilizado. Aprecio que hayas compartido tu crianza y la influencia que el idioma tuvo en ti, y que hayas explicado la ciencia detrΓ‘s de esto, bien hecho!
βbut here's what i've learned: i am not less. i am more. and i am who i am. i am english and spanish and french and spanglish. i am puerto rico and michigan and washington, dc and san diego. i am loud and quiet, extroverted and introverted, emotional and rational.
i am all of these things. and if you want to know me, if you want to love me, you need to know all of me.β
this is sooo raw and so vulnerable!! anyone who came here an immigrant knows exactly this feeling, you painted a picture of what I went thru as well except on the east coast.
i love that your mom knew all the english bad words! π
you are brilliant Edgar! seriously brilliant Edgar!
anyeri! mi amor! thank you so much for reading this and for leaving such a beautiful comment. π₯Ήπgirl, you know exactly what this feels like, don't you? east coast, west coast, midwest - the struggle hits different but it's still the same at its core. i'm so glad this resonated with you. it's like we're all part of this secret club nobody wanted to join but now we can't leave, you know? and lmaooo yes! my mom's english vocabulary was... colorful, to say the least. π i swear, half the reason i learned english so fast was to figure out what the hell she was actually saying when she got mad!
seriously though, thank you for calling this raw and vulnerable. it wasn't easy to write, but comments like yours make it worth it. it's like... we've all been carrying these experiences around for so long, and finally being able to put them into words feels like letting out a breath i didn't know i was holding.
you're brilliant too, you know that?!? the way you've navigated your own journey, the strength it takes to build a life in a new place - that's not just survival, that's art.
thank you for being you, for being here, for getting it. te quiero un mundo. πβ¨
p.s. if you are ever in san diego, we're getting cafecito and swapping immigrant war stories en la playa, okay? π
ay, mi amor! gracias a ti por leerlo!!! y por estas palabras tan lindas. me alegra que hayas podido conectar con el ensayo, aunque tus experiencias hayan sido un poco diferentes. eso es lo bonito de compartir nuestras historias, ΒΏno? cada uno tiene su propio camino, pero de alguna manera todos nos entendemos. Β‘y anda! ΒΏquinto idioma? eso sΓ que es impresionante. me tienes curioso... ΒΏcΓ³mo es esa quinta personalidad que estΓ‘s desarrollando? π sabes, siempre he pensado que aprender un nuevo idioma es como descubrir una nueva versiΓ³n de uno mismo. es como si cada lengua te diera una llave para abrir una puerta diferente de tu personalidad. sigue asΓ, que eso de ser un polΓglote es como tener superpoderes en este mundo loco!!!!! y gracias otra vez por tus palabras. me dan Γ‘nimo para seguir escribiendo y compartiendo. Β‘un abrazo fuerte, beryl! te quiero mucho.
Dad, you know - this piece was born that day you and i were in Puerto Rico last talking about how weβd explain PR to gringosβ¦ remember that? it took a while for the thought to complete and form. But you helped inspired this one a bit. I love you so much, Dad. <3 <3 Nos vemos pronto
iris, mi amor. thank you for this raw, beautiful response. you've got me tearing up now too. ππyour words hit home hard. that feeling of being an outsider, of shutting down parts of yourself to fit in - i see you. i feel you. you're not alone in this, not for a second.
the way you describe spanish as a hidden message, like an underground railroad on the surface - that's poetry, iris. that's exactly what it feels like. a secret code, a lifeline to our true selves. don't ever feel small for wanting to hold onto your roots. that desire to explore your culture, to keep that part of you alive - it's not just valid, it's vital. you're not incomplete, you're beautifully complex. your heart aches for parts of yourself you don't fully know? mine does too. but maybe that ache is what keeps us searching, keeps us whole. you're right - you're not alone. we're in this together, carajo. your voice, your story - it matters. it's part of the fabric of who we are. thank you for being vulnerable, for sharing this. te quiero un mundo, mi niΓ±o!!!! πβ¨
Beautiful essay, really resonated!
how lovely and inspiring! thank you for sharing <3
Thank you for this post. I can related in so many different, but similar ways.
My tongue is Portuguese, I work in English, do daily life stuff in German, and can speak some sort of PortuΓ±ol (Portuguese mingled with EspaΓ±ol). People look down on immigrants, but c'mon, learning languages isn't easy!
Such vivid truths here, thank you for sharing. As a fellow immigrant to Western Michigan in the early 2000s, growing up with English as my second language and Meijer run-ins, this was all too relatable.
A fellow West Michigander! So great to know you;ve found this, you understand this all too well. This exact thing. Thanks for commenting and reach out, this made my day.
How beautifully and truthfully written. My first tongue is of the earth, and the second of the sky.
Thank you so much for your kind words, Anni :) I love that last sentence: "My first tongue is of the earth, and the second of the sky". beautiful. <3
Este escrito es increΓble. No soy bilingΓΌe pero te entiendo tantoβ¦ Soy espaΓ±ola y mi novio es inglΓ©s, y aunque los dos hablamos entre nosotros en los dos idiomas, no ha sido hasta hace poco que me he dado cuenta de lo confundidos que estΓ‘n nuestros cerebros con tanto mix y tanto spanglish. Requiere mucho esfuerzo encontrar la palabra o expresiΓ³n en tu propio idioma sin tener que recurrir por conveniencia al otro porque tiene exactamente lo que estΓ‘s buscandoπ Y tambiΓ©n el tema de la personalidad y del agotamiento cuando yo estoy con su gente y no puedo hablar espaΓ±ol y viceversa. Siento que estoy aprendiendo mucho, pero a veces ya me afecta en mi manera de escribir, porque hay un rinconcito de mi mente que ya habla en el idioma que no es mΓo. AquΓ en substack suelo publicar tanto en inglΓ©s como en castellano, pero es un reto ademΓ‘s decidir quΓ© va en un idioma o en otro, y la creatividad al escribir es tan diferente que sientes que pierdes un poquito de cada. Ni de lejos he experimentado lo que tΓΊ has pasado en tu vida respecto al lenguaje, pero te admiro mucho y abrazo esa parte de ti que no pudo florecer en su momento π€π€π€
gracias por compartir tu experiencia tan honestamente. <3 es fascinante cΓ³mo el bilingΓΌismo afecta nuestras mentes y relaciones, ΒΏverdad? ese "rinconcito" en tu mente que habla en otro idioma - lo entiendo perfectamente. es como si nuestros cerebros fueran un collage de idiomas y culturas. y el agotamiento que mencionas cuando estΓ‘s con la gente de tu novio, uff, lo siento en mi alma. es como si estuvieras actuando en una obra de teatro, pero sin guiΓ³n.
y eso de decidir en quΓ© idioma escribir... es todo un arte, ΒΏno? cada lengua tiene su propia magia para la creatividad. (por lo menos es asi para mi.) aunque nuestras experiencias sean diferentes, compartimos ese sentimiento de navegar entre mundos lingΓΌΓsticos. gracias por tu empatΓa y por ese abrazo virtual. significa mucho. π
sigue escribiendo en ambos idiomas. cada palabra es un puente entre culturas.
πππ
Iβm bilingual (French and English) and this resonates so much!! Beautiful essay
:) i'm glad this resonated.
This is incredibly touching. Honestly, I want to respond in Spanish, but my Spanish isn't good. I'm also boricua! But I left the island when I was five, and haven't learnt anymore Spanish since. My Spanish (writing and reading wise) is forever stuck at a first grade level, and yet I can't express myself the way I want in English either. I'm stuck between two languages and it's heartening to know I'm not the only one! Gracias por este post, resonΓ³ conmigo π«Άπ½ (excuse the poor spanish LOL)
Mil gracias a ti! Thank you for the comment. <3 <3
this was an amazing read. so recognizable. i feel mostly muzzled living in a country where they speak none of the languages i do. i fear i'll leave before i get to master the language well enough to capture quick wit and sharp remarks. And so, indeed, people here will never get to know me
thank you so much for reading and for sharing your experience! i'm genuinely touched that this resonated with you. your comment about feeling "muzzled" hit me hard. it's like walking around with duct tape over your personality. all those quick comebacks and witty observations just... stuck. i totally get that fear of leaving before you've fully found your voice in a new language. it's like you're racing against time, trying to piece together a whole new you before the clock runs out. can i ask - what languages do you speak? and where are you living now? (don't reply if it would be too revealing, i'm just nosy.) i'm curious about how you navigate those linguistic spaces. do you find little pockets where you can be your full self, or is it a constant state of translation?
also that fear you mentioned about people never really getting to know you - man, i feel that in my bones. it's like you're always performing a watered-down version of yourself. thanks again for sharing. it means a lot to know i'm not alone in this linguistic limbo. keep fighting to be heard, in whatever language feels most like home. π
let's just say my own language ('mother tongue' haha even more gross) is germanic, and obviously I speak english, but this new place is roman language all around and they hardly speak english even though they are quite some similarities... somehow the fact that this would be my third and the first feels unfair, but since i'm the foreigner in their country of course that's a childish thought lol. stupidly enough I feel most comfortable writing in english, not my first language. i always wonder how many mistakes are in there
Gracias por expresar esto con palabras. Definitivamente me identifico con tener diferentes personalidades dependiendo del idioma utilizado. Aprecio que hayas compartido tu crianza y la influencia que el idioma tuvo en ti, y que hayas explicado la ciencia detrΓ‘s de esto, bien hecho!
ay, gracias a ti por leerlo!!! y por este comentario tan lindo! :) me alegra que te hayas identificado con la idea de las diferentes personalidades segΓΊn el idioma. a veces pienso que somos como esos muΓ±equitos rusos, ΒΏsabes? las matryoshkas. cada idioma es como una capa mΓ‘s, una versiΓ³n distinta de nosotros mismos. y lo de compartir mi crianza... uff, no te voy a mentir, me costΓ³. es como abrir el baΓΊl de los recuerdos y sacar todas esas cositas que duelen pero que tambiΓ©n nos hacen quienes somos, ΒΏverdad? pero sentΓ que era importante contar esa parte pa' que se entendiera bien de dΓ³nde vengo.
y lo de la ciencia, pues mira, hasta yo me quedΓ© loco cuando empecΓ© a investigar. ΒΏtΓΊ sabΓas todo eso? a mΓ me volΓ³ la cabeza. es como que por fin tuve pruebas de algo que siempre habΓa sentido pero no podΓa explicar.
gracias otra vez por tus palabras. de verdad que comentarios como el tuyo me dan Γ‘nimo pa' seguir escribiendo. un abrazo fuerte! :D π
ayyyy diossss miooo!!!
βbut here's what i've learned: i am not less. i am more. and i am who i am. i am english and spanish and french and spanglish. i am puerto rico and michigan and washington, dc and san diego. i am loud and quiet, extroverted and introverted, emotional and rational.
i am all of these things. and if you want to know me, if you want to love me, you need to know all of me.β
this is sooo raw and so vulnerable!! anyone who came here an immigrant knows exactly this feeling, you painted a picture of what I went thru as well except on the east coast.
i love that your mom knew all the english bad words! π
you are brilliant Edgar! seriously brilliant Edgar!
anyeri! mi amor! thank you so much for reading this and for leaving such a beautiful comment. π₯Ήπgirl, you know exactly what this feels like, don't you? east coast, west coast, midwest - the struggle hits different but it's still the same at its core. i'm so glad this resonated with you. it's like we're all part of this secret club nobody wanted to join but now we can't leave, you know? and lmaooo yes! my mom's english vocabulary was... colorful, to say the least. π i swear, half the reason i learned english so fast was to figure out what the hell she was actually saying when she got mad!
seriously though, thank you for calling this raw and vulnerable. it wasn't easy to write, but comments like yours make it worth it. it's like... we've all been carrying these experiences around for so long, and finally being able to put them into words feels like letting out a breath i didn't know i was holding.
you're brilliant too, you know that?!? the way you've navigated your own journey, the strength it takes to build a life in a new place - that's not just survival, that's art.
thank you for being you, for being here, for getting it. te quiero un mundo. πβ¨
p.s. if you are ever in san diego, we're getting cafecito and swapping immigrant war stories en la playa, okay? π
muchΓsimas gracias para escribiΓ©ndolo - este ensayo se puso muchas experiencias que no sabΓa como expresar en palabras exquisitamente elegidas aunque mi experiencias eran un poquito diferente π«Άβ¨ estoy intentando aprender mi quinto idioma (y quinto personalidad πΉ)
ay, mi amor! gracias a ti por leerlo!!! y por estas palabras tan lindas. me alegra que hayas podido conectar con el ensayo, aunque tus experiencias hayan sido un poco diferentes. eso es lo bonito de compartir nuestras historias, ΒΏno? cada uno tiene su propio camino, pero de alguna manera todos nos entendemos. Β‘y anda! ΒΏquinto idioma? eso sΓ que es impresionante. me tienes curioso... ΒΏcΓ³mo es esa quinta personalidad que estΓ‘s desarrollando? π sabes, siempre he pensado que aprender un nuevo idioma es como descubrir una nueva versiΓ³n de uno mismo. es como si cada lengua te diera una llave para abrir una puerta diferente de tu personalidad. sigue asΓ, que eso de ser un polΓglote es como tener superpoderes en este mundo loco!!!!! y gracias otra vez por tus palabras. me dan Γ‘nimo para seguir escribiendo y compartiendo. Β‘un abrazo fuerte, beryl! te quiero mucho.
desde siempre- tengo muchos talentos secretos πΉ
Dad, you know - this piece was born that day you and i were in Puerto Rico last talking about how weβd explain PR to gringosβ¦ remember that? it took a while for the thought to complete and form. But you helped inspired this one a bit. I love you so much, Dad. <3 <3 Nos vemos pronto
iris, mi amor. thank you for this raw, beautiful response. you've got me tearing up now too. ππyour words hit home hard. that feeling of being an outsider, of shutting down parts of yourself to fit in - i see you. i feel you. you're not alone in this, not for a second.
the way you describe spanish as a hidden message, like an underground railroad on the surface - that's poetry, iris. that's exactly what it feels like. a secret code, a lifeline to our true selves. don't ever feel small for wanting to hold onto your roots. that desire to explore your culture, to keep that part of you alive - it's not just valid, it's vital. you're not incomplete, you're beautifully complex. your heart aches for parts of yourself you don't fully know? mine does too. but maybe that ache is what keeps us searching, keeps us whole. you're right - you're not alone. we're in this together, carajo. your voice, your story - it matters. it's part of the fabric of who we are. thank you for being vulnerable, for sharing this. te quiero un mundo, mi niΓ±o!!!! πβ¨