non-binary in a binary world: adventures in pronoun roulette

they/he/confusion - a guide to existing while genderqueer

note: this is a column i wrote around september 2024 that i have had kicking around in my drafts since then. since i wrote this, the country has entered a real vibe shift and has re-elected trump, who apparently made us all into women. (not the worst thing in the world, tbh.) maybe this is the right time to post this. hope it resonates. i still am not happy with it, but i think the message is needed.

tl;dr: being non-binary is like playing hopscotch on a minefield of societal expectations, but with better outfits and more existential crises.

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let’s start with this: whatever you think about gender or what you think i should be… you can wrap it in sandpaper and shove it. with no lube.

now that you’ve gotten some sass, can i go on? you know you wouldn’t have me any other way.

okay, now… a story. it’s a saturday afternoon in san diego. the sun is shining and the sky is clear, beautiful, and blue. i'm strolling down mayland street in university heights. i’m jamming to the usual or maybe i had spotify’s dj x on. i don’t remember now. a neighbor i vaguely know spots me and waves. as i get closer, his eyes widen. he's never seen me with facial hair before. his brain short-circuits as he tries to compute this new information.

"hello... sir? ma'am? um... sir ma'am?"

we both crack up. i'm laughing so hard i can barely breathe. "sir ma'am is fine," i manage to wheeze out. and just like that… i've got a new title!

welcome to my world, amiguis. welcome to the wonderful, queer, and wtf-inducing experience of being a non-binary person in a world that is very much binary.

this interaction was hilarious and positive. my neighbor and i shared a genuine moment of connection and humor. but let's be real - not every encounter goes this smoothly. sometimes, people aren't just confused. they're threatened.

you see, for those of us who don't fit neatly into the categories of "man" or "woman," everyday interactions can feel like navigating a minefield. will the person i'm talking to be cool? will they be confused? or will they react with hostility to something they don't understand? what fuckery will they project onto me?

it's exhausting, exhilarating, and sometimes downright scary. but it's also liberating. every time we step out into the world, we're challenging assumptions and expanding possibilities. we're living proof that gender isn't binary - it's a whole damn spectrum.

Source: The Rainbow Project.

pronouns

now, let's talk pronouns. for those who slept through grammar class (no judgment, we've all been there), pronouns are those handy little words we use instead of names. you know, "he" went to the store, "she" bought a cake, "they" devoured it whole. simple, right? for us non-binary folks, pronouns are like the spicy sauce of language - they can make or break the whole dish.

me? i use they/him pronouns interchangeably, but i prefer 'they'. it's like having a favorite child - you love them all, but one just hits different. when i introduce myself, i usually say "my pronouns are they/them" to keep it simple. but here's the kicker - despite my clear preference, most people default to 'him' anyway. it's like they hear "they/them" and their brain autocorrects to "oh, he must mean 'him'."

it's frustrating, to be honest. using someone's correct pronouns isn't rocket science, it's basic respect. yet, more often than not, it feels like people aren't even trying. it's as if the concept of 'they' as a singular pronoun short-circuits their linguistic processors.

newsflash, folks: 'they' has been used as a singular pronoun since the 14th century. shakespeare used it. jane austen used it. if it's good enough for them, it's good enough for your cousin's non-binary friend at thanksgiving dinner.

some advice

look, i get it. change can be hard. but is it really that difficult to refer to someone the way they've asked to be referred to? it shouldn't be an adventure every time someone opens their mouth to talk about me in the third person. it should just be... normal.

so next time you're not sure about someone's pronouns, just ask. trust me, we'd rather you ask than assume.

and if you forget? no biggie. just correct yourself and move on. we're not looking for perfection, just a little effort and respect.

after all, isn't that what we all want? to be seen and heard for who we really are?

growing up in puerto rico, gender roles were as rigid as the stick up your tío's ass at family gatherings. boys played with cars, girls played with dolls, and god forbid you showed any interest in crossing that line.

i remember being five years old and desperately wanting a polly pocket toy. i wanted to play with my female cousins and i wanted to set up a family with two dads in the game. but that was too much for people.

Me, dressed up as a non-binary Shaggy for Halloween 2022, downtown San Diego.

fast forward to now, and here i am, a 37-year-old non-binary person living my best life in san diego.

it's like i've gone from black and white kansas to technicolor oz, except instead of munchkins, we have drag queens, and instead of a yellow brick road, we have rainbow crosswalks. 🌈

but even in this queer utopia, navigating the binary world can be... interesting. take dating apps, for example. trying to explain your gender identity in 150 characters or less is like trying to summarize "game of thrones" in a tweet.

"non-binary disaster pansexual with a penchant for dad jokes and existential crises. swipe right if you can handle my pronoun indecision and incandescent random rants."

somehow, it just doesn't quite capture the essence, you know?

but here's the thing about being non-binary – it's not just about pronouns or bathrooms or confusing the hell out of well-meaning strangers. it's about freedom. it's about looking at the boxes society tries to shove us into and saying, "nah, i'm good out here." it's about creating your own path when the existing ones don't fit.

it's also about community. finding your people when you don't fit into traditional categories can be tough, but when you do? it's magic. it's like finding a family you didn't know you had.

shoutout to all my enby siblings out there – y'all make this journey worthwhile.

now, i'm not saying it's all rainbow flags and gender euphoria. there are days when i wish i could just blend in, when constantly explaining my existence feels exhausting. there are times when i look in the mirror and think, "who the hell are you?"

but then i remember – i'm me.

i'm edgard. i'm they, he, fluidity and change personified, and that's pretty damn beautiful.

serving gender fuckery

so, to all you beautiful binary and non-binary folks out there, here's my guide to existing while genderqueer:

1. embrace the confusion. your existence is a walking, talking gender studies seminar. own it.

2. find your people. whether it's online or in person, community is key.

3. experiment with expression. clothes, hair, makeup – it's all fair game. gender is a playground, not a prison.

4. be patient with others, but not at the expense of your own wellbeing. education takes time, but your identity is not up for debate.

5. laugh. a lot. because sometimes, the absurdity of gender norms is honestly hilarious.

6. remember that you are valid, you are worthy, and you are so, so needed in this world.

at the end of the day, being non-binary in a binary world is a wild ride. it's challenging, it's liberating, and it's absolutely necessary. we're the glitch in the matrix, the question mark in a world of periods and exclamation points.

we're the ones saying, "hey, maybe there's more to this whole gender thing than we thought."

so the next time you're not sure whether to say "sir" or "ma'am," maybe take a breath and remember – some of us are neither, some of us are both, and some of us are still figuring it out. and that's okay. more than okay. it's pretty freaking amazing.

now, if you'll excuse me, i have a pressing appointment with my closet to decide whether today is a "funky earrings and flannel" day or a "flowing skirt and combat boots" day. gender expression roulette, anyone?

stay queer, stay questioning, and for the love of all that is holy, stay hydrated.

con amor,

edgard💖✨