your good intentions are killing me 💀

how to stop accidentally hurting the people you're trying to help

tl;dr: good intentions aren't enough when it comes to allyship & friendship. learn how to check your impact, own your mistakes, and do better. let’s work on this together, i also need to do this work. spoiler alert: it involves a lot of listening and a healthy dose of humility. 🎧💖

the artist whose work i have included below is one of my biggest influences and i love her. please go follow elwing suong gonzalez on instagram and buy all her art on etsy.

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Photo by Surface on Unsplash

hola mis bellezas,

sometimes the road to hell really is paved with good intentions.

i learned this lesson the hard way earlier this year, when i inadvertently hurt one of my closest friends. it's a memory that still makes me wince, that still has me waking up at 3 am, staring at the ceiling fan, wishing i could turn back time.

it was at the weekly hillcrest farmers’ market. the sun was high in the sky, and the shades of colors on the pride flag flying above me reminded me of the colors of the flowers, the sky, and the houses back home in puerto rico. my friend (name changed to protect their identity) alex and i were browsing the different stands, the scent of kettle corn, french fries, and fresh produce filling the air.

alex had recently come out as non-binary, and i was bursting with pride and love for them. i wanted to show my support, to be the co-conspirator, the ally, the sibling i always aspired to be.

so when we ran into some mutual friends, i enthusiastically introduced alex:

"hey y'all, this is my friend alex! they just came out as non-binary and i'm so proud of them!"

i beamed, expecting alex to feel seen and supported. instead, their face fell.

they mumbled a quick "hi" before excusing themselves and disappearing into the crowd. it took me a moment to realize what i'd done.

in my eagerness to show support, i'd outed alex without their consent. i'd taken away their agency, their right to control their own narrative. my good intentions had paved a road straight to alex's discomfort and pain.

"coño," i muttered under my breath, the weight of my mistake settling on my shoulders like an acme anvil.

elwingbling

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impact vs. intention

the thing about impact vs. intention is that it doesn't matter how pure your heart is if your actions cause real harm.

it's a lesson that's particularly crucial for those of us in marginalized communities. we know all too well how "i didn't mean to" or "but i was trying to help" can be wielded as weapons, used to deflect responsibility and invalidate our pain.

growing up queer and puerto rican in michigan, i've been on the receiving end of well-intentioned harm more times than i can count. the straight “allies” who'd out me to prove how "woke" they were. the well-meaning person or family member who'd pray for me to find a nice girl and "stop this nonsense." their intentions weren't malicious, but the impact? that shit hurt. it left scars that i'm still working to heal.

and now here i was, perpetrating the same harm i'd experienced. i'd become the very thing i'd always rallied against. the irony wasn't lost on me – it tasted bitter, like burnt coffee on my tongue.

when alex finally responded to my frantic texts, their words were a mirror, reflecting at me every time someone's good intentions had hurt me:

"i know you meant well, edgard. but it wasn't your story to tell. you took away my choice, my voice. and now i have to deal with it."

their words hit me like a sucker punch to the gut.

porque coño, they were right. i'd fucked up, royally. and all the good intentions in the world couldn't undo the harm i'd caused.

starting with clarity

before we dive in, let's get clear on what we're talking about here. this isn't about the big, systemic issues – not about corporations exploiting workers or institutions oppressing marginalized groups. we're zooming in on the everyday stuff, the person-to-person interactions that make up the fabric of our lives. i'm talking about you and your best friend, your abuela, or that cutie you've been seeing. it's those moments where there's no power imbalance at play, just two people trying (and often failing) to navigate the minefield of human connection.

we're not dealing with illegal or abusive behavior here – that's a whole other beast.

instead, we’re focusing on those seemingly small moments that can make or break relationships. the unintended hurts, the misunderstandings, the everyday fuck-ups that accumulate over time.

because let's be real – it's in these "minor" interactions where we have the most power to create change, to do better, to be better. if we can't get it right with the people closest to us, how the hell are we gonna tackle the big issues?

grow up & take responsibility

let's dissect the heart of the intention vs. impact debate. it's not about perfect behavior – it's about accountability. when our actions hurt others, regardless of our intentions, we have a responsibility to address the impact.

now, let's confront the common defenses that often arise:

• "that's not what i meant!": this reaction centers you in a situation where someone else is hurting. while your intentions matter to you, they don't negate the real pain you've caused. instead of defending yourself, try asking: "how did my actions affect you?" this shifts the focus to understanding the impact.

• "so i always have to put other people's feelings above mine?": this is a false dichotomy. it's not about constantly sacrificing your feelings, but about recognizing when it's appropriate to prioritize addressing harm you've caused. it's situational awareness, not perpetual martyrdom.

• setting yourself as the victim: responses like "i guess i'm just a terrible person" or "i should never speak again" are manipulative tactics. they shift attention from the harm you've caused to your own feelings of guilt. this isn't productive – it's emotional deflection.

• gaslighting and minimizing: phrases like "you're too sensitive" or "it's not a big deal" invalidate the other person's feelings. remember: you don't get to decide how others should feel about your actions.

• "communication is a two-way street": while true, this doesn't absolve you of responsibility when you've hurt someone. it's not a shield against accountability. yes, communication involves multiple parties, but that doesn't mean blame is always equally shared.

these defensive reactions all serve to protect your ego rather than address the actual issue. they're rooted in the discomfort of confronting our own fallibility. but here's the truth: none of us are perfect. the least perfect among us? you, me, all of us fumbling through life trying to do better.

it's time to grow the fuck up, take responsibility for the shit we do, and do the work. intentions might set the course, but it's our impact that truly changes the world.

elwingbling

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no one is perfect

it's not about being perfect; it's about being accountable. so next time you feel that defensiveness rising, ask yourself: "am i more concerned with protecting my self-image or with actually being a good person?" because let me tell you, those two things aren't always the same.

if you're not willing to face that uncomfortable truth, then honey, you're not as good an ally – or a friend, or a human being – as you think you are.

it's a hard pill to swallow, especially for those of us who pride ourselves on being allies, on fighting the good fight. we want so badly to be good, to do right by our communities, that sometimes we forget to listen. we forget that allyship isn't about grand gestures or loud proclamations. it's about humility, about stepping back and amplifying the voices of those we claim to support.

in the weeks since the farmers market incident, i've been doing a lot of soul-searching. i've apologized to alex, not with excuses or justifications, but with a genuine acknowledgment of the harm i caused. i've been working to rebuild their trust, to prove through actions rather than words that i can do better.

and i've been reflecting on all the times i've been hurt by others' good intentions. i'm learning to extend the same grace to them that alex has extended to me.

it's a delicate balance – holding people accountable while also recognizing their humanity, their capacity for growth.

because here's the truth, mi gente: we're all fumbling our way through this messy, beautiful life. we're all going to fuck up, to hurt people we care about, to cause harm even when we're trying our damnedest to do good.

elwingbling

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how you respond is what matters

the measure of our character isn't in never making mistakes. it's in how we respond when we do. it's in our willingness to listen, to learn, to do better. it's in understanding that impact trumps intention, every single time.

so, i hear you asking: "okay, edgard, that's all well and good. but how do we actually do this? how do we make sure our impact matches our intentions?"

great question. here are some concrete steps you can take to check yourself before you wreck yourself (and others):

1. pause before you act:

   1. before you do or say something, take a breath. ask yourself: "what am i trying to achieve here? who might this affect? am i the right person to do this?"

2. play it out:

   1. imagine the scenario playing out. what's the best case? worst case? most likely case? if you're not sure, ask someone you trust for their perspective.

3. check your lane:

   1. are you speaking over someone who has more direct experience with the issue? is this your story to tell? if not, how can you amplify their voice instead?

4. practice the "oops/ouch" method:

   1. when someone says "ouch" (shows they're hurt), don't get defensive. say "oops" and listen. it's not about your intentions; it's about their pain.

5. do a privilege check:

   1. how might your privileged identities be influencing your perspective? are you missing something because of your blind spots?

6. ask for consent:

   1. before sharing someone else's information or story, ask them explicitly. "is it okay if i tell people about [x]?" give them a real chance to say no.

7. create feedback loops:

   1. regularly ask people you trust: "how am i doing? have i done anything lately that didn't land well?" be open to criticism.

8. mind your microaggressions:

   1. educate yourself on common microaggressions. pay attention to your language and actions, especially with marginalized groups.

9. practice active listening:

   1. when someone's talking, focus on understanding, not on formulating your response. repeat back what you heard to ensure you got it right.

10. do an impact audit:

    1. periodically reflect on your recent actions. what were your intentions? what was the actual impact? where's the gap? how can you close it?

and here are some hard-hitting questions to ask yourself regularly:

• "am i using 'good intentions' as a shield against accountability?"

• "whose comfort am i prioritizing with this action – mine or others'?"

• "if someone did this to me, how would i honestly feel?"

• "am i trying to be a 'savior' instead of a genuine ally?"

• "what assumptions am i making here? how can i check if they're true?"

remember, this isn't about paralysis. it's not about being so scared of messing up that you never act. it's about being intentional, thoughtful, and accountable. it's about understanding that our actions ripple out into the world in ways we can't always predict.

elwingbling

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embrace the discomfort & live!

so we need to be careful, yes, but also brave. brave enough to act, brave enough to mess up, and brave enough to own our mistakes and do better next time. but here's the real tea: the gap between intention and impact? that's where growth happens. that's where we learn, where we become better versions of ourselves, where we truly start to understand what it means to be in community with each other.

y'all, this is where the magic of empathy comes in. it's about recognizing that we're all fumbling through life with our own unique lenses, our own ways of seeing the world. sometimes, these lenses can distort things, make us feel attacked when no one's throwing punches. it's like we're all wearing different colored glasses, and sometimes we forget others aren't seeing the same shades we are.

so let's embrace that gap. let's dance in that uncomfortable space between what we meant to do and what we actually did. because that dance? that's how we change the world, one mindful step at a time. it's about learning to hold two truths at once: your pain is real, but it might not be the whole story.

let's commit to being more mindful, more intentional in our actions. let's practice the art of listening before speaking, of asking before assuming. let's hold ourselves and each other accountable, with love and compassion. and let's get curious about each other's perspectives. can we hold our hurt and still try to understand where the other person is coming from? it's not easy, mi gente, but it's where the real growth happens.

because at the end of the day, that's what community is all about. it's about showing up for each other, even when – especially when – it's hard. it's about doing the work to ensure our impact aligns with our intentions. it's about giving each other the benefit of the doubt, not to erase our hurts, but to soften those hard edges and shift how we relate to each other.

and maybe, just maybe, if we can master that, we can build a world where good intentions lead somewhere beautiful. where we can navigate our differences with empathy and understanding, recognizing our shared humanity even when it's tough.

ahora sí, pa'lante con más cuidado, pero siempre pa'lante. 💖🌈✊🏽

con amor y café,

edgard 🇵🇷☕️

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