on new beginnings & lowercase moments
let's embrace the messy, beautiful chaos of existence
[tl;dr: welcome to my chaotic, heart-on-sleeve corner of the internet. expect raw honesty, cultural deep dives, and probably too many emojis. let's get weird together, mi gente. ๐ต๐ท๐โ๏ธ]
hey y'all, bienvenidos a mi pequeรฑo rincรณn del internet. ๐
so, here we are - this feels to me a bit like a big deal. for as long as i can remember, i have always wanted to write. my main mode of creating? writing. whatever it is. it has to be something i can write or type or sing or say. and writing is for all of them.
i just turned 37 a few days ago and i wrote in my journal that โapproaching my 40โs makes me rethink if there are any regrets and if there is a chance i can minimize regrets to 0 for the next 40 yearsโ. i remember reading back the thought to myself and chuckling heartily, saying โyeahโ. it felt dead on.
for many years, i have lived a life that often required of me to shrink. to disappear. to hide in plain sight. i can say that for a long time, this served me. it helped me deal with abusive relationships. it helped me deal with hostile environments. it helped me deal especially navigating whiteness and navigating america as a whole. itโs helped me at work, in the corporate world. itโs helped me in school.
but it has led to a lot of regret and thoughts of wasted time and energy. misdirection, hyperfocus, sunken cost fallacy. itโs led to a lot of anger and resentment. and a lot of emotional turmoil. i realize that i am spiraling out in a tornado of overthinking. itโs regret. the things i didnโt dare do, the love i didnโt declare, the thingsโฆ the things i always wanted for myself but had to sacrifice for my own safety.
so here i am now - iโm not sure who or what or whatever will see and read this. iโm just pouring my heart out into the void of cyberspace because one of my greatest regrets is that i havenโt created as much as i want.
and itโs not a vainglorious search for wealth or for glory. i feel an unsettling fire, an unsettled swirl of activity and creatvity in my heart. i want to finish my album. i want to write blogs again. i want to post poetry. i want to get off social media and instead go back to the days of xanga, live journalโฆ (can you tell iโm a 90โs kid?)
so here i am. pouring my heart out, and you, stumbling upon this digital confessional. serendipity or algorithm? who knows, but i'm glad you're here.
picture this: it's 3 am, i'm knee-deep in my feelings, surrounded by empty coffee cups and the persistent whisper of "you should be sleeping" (spoiler alert: i won't). this blog? it's the lovechild of insomnia, existential dread, and an overactive imagination. welcome to the party, hope you brought snacks!
iโm not sure what this blog will be. right now itโs called edgardโs substack. thatโs fine.
but the content here will come from my heart. this venture, this effort to satiate the creative muses and forces and ghostful beasts withinโฆ starts now.
this wonโt be just a blog. it's a mood, a vibe, a whole ass experience. it's where i break open the big things, the small things, and all the in-between things that make up this beautifully messy tapestry we call life.
why do i write like this, you ask? porque la vida no es solo mayรบsculas, mi amor. life isn't just found in the uppercase moments, but often in the gentle whispers of the lowercaseโthe subtle, powerful shifts that happen quietly and profoundly. here, we dive deep into the murky waters of life, politics, and relationships, sprinkled with music, poetry, and those sparks of humor that make the heart feel lighter.
think of me as your queer, pansexual, non-binary puerto rican friend who's seen some shit, has opinions about everything, and isn't afraid to use way too many emojis. ๐โ๐ฝ๐ i'm here to share, to reflect, and to connect with you, bringing pieces of my journey to the table. it's about pulling up a chair, sharing a story, and maybe even changing the world a little bit at a time.
from the calles de san juan to the shores of lake michigan, from the green mountains of vermont to the corridors of power in d.c., and now nestled in the vibrant heart of san diego - each place has left its mark, shaping the lens through which i view the world.
and trust me, that lens is as colorful as a plate of arroz con gandules on noche buena. ๐
so, what can you expect from this digital rollercoaster?
deep dives into lgbtq+ issues and culture (spoiler: we're here, we're queer, and we're not going anywhere)
passionate rants about puerto rican politics (๐ต๐ท)
love letters to san diego's hillcrest and university heights neighborhoods
personal essays that'll make you laugh, cry, or wonder if i've been reading your diary
music recommendations that'll have you googling "how to pronounce gaeilge" at 2 am (looking at you, the corrs)
and probably way too many references to "the crown" (god save olivia colman)
fair warning: if you're looking for polished perfection, you're in the wrong place.
this is raw, unfiltered, straight from the heart (with maybe a quick spell-check, because even chaos needs some boundaries).
so whether you stumbled here by chance or came seeking, i hope you find a piece of what you need. let's unravel the complex threads of life together with honesty, courage, and a bit of flair. because life's too short for boring blogs and unseasoned food.
ready to dive in? check out some basic info below:
learn more about this blog and me in our "about me" page
get your most frequently asked questions answered here
let the journey begin, mi gente. it's gonna be one hell of a ride.
con mucho amor y un poquito de locura,
edgard ๐ด๐ณ๏ธโ๐โ๐ฝ
p.s. if you made it this far, congrats! you've officially joined the chaos. welcome to the family. now go call your mom, drink some water, and maybe consider therapy. (i do, and it's great. shoutout to my professor who's probably reading this. hi, doc! ๐)