on swiping my way to carpal tunnel: a love letter to offline dating

why i'm breaking up with dating apps (and why you might want to, too)

tl;dr: ya boy's been swiping through more fish pics than finding nemo's casting director, realizing dating apps are the junk food of love. time to put down the phone and remember how to human again.

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Honestly, this is a little too straight for me. It needs Lex, Grindr, and maybe Sniffies. Source: Photo by Nik on Unsplash.

hi babies,

picture this: it's 3am, i'm cozier than a croqueta in its breading, wrapped in blankets and bathed in the sickly glow of my phone.

my thumb, now with more miles on it than mi papi's old red 1987 yugo, hovers over the 17th shirtless gym selfie i've seen today.

i've swiped through so many fish pics i'm considering changing my tinder bio to "cast me in finding nemo 3: just keep swiping."

welcome to my world of modern dating, where love is just a swipe away – or so they say. but let's be real, the only thing i'm matching with tonight is carpal tunnel and disappointment. i've had more meaningless conversations than a customer service rep at comcast, and i've been ghosted so many times i'm starting to think i might actually be dead. ¡ay bendito!

now, you might be thinking, "edgard, why don't you just... you know... go outside?" and trust me, i've asked myself the same question. but after two years of pandemic isolation, the idea of actually talking to humans in person feels about as natural as mi abuela using tiktok.

remember when we used to meet people in bars and coffeehouses? i do, vaguely. it's like a hazy memory from another life! these days, the thought of approaching someone in public makes me break out in a sweat faster than a gringo eating habaneros. what do i even say? "hi, i'm edgard, and i don't come with a convenient swipe left option"? fuck! i cling to the hope that my little 2mg of abilify will be enough to keep me riding smooth. (so far so good, thanks doc.)

post-pandemic, my social skills have atrophied faster than my gym membership, hahaha. i tried going to a queer mixer recently, and let me tell you, it was a disaster of epic proportions.

It’s a cute picture, but like… not the best outfit for a queer dating event. Bad idea.

imagine it - (and those that know me can, for sure) i’m decked out in my finest san diego red oversized hoodie and sparkly converse all star high tops (because nothing says "date me" like looking like a tourist in your own city), trying to mingle.

i made it about five feet into the room before panic set in.

suddenly, i was more tongue-tied than trying to pronounce "worcestershire sauce." (i have no idea still how to say this shit.) i managed to stammer out a "hola" to a cute enby across the room, promptly spilled my drink all over myself, and spent the rest of the night hiding in the bathroom, swiping on tinder. real smooth, edgard. real smooth.

definitely not my finest hour.

but here's the thing, mis amores. as much as dating apps became my security blanket, a go-to source of validation, i'm starting to realize they're also a crutch! and it’s annoying! these fucking dating apps are the junk food of the dating world – quick, easy, and ultimately unsatisfying.

but here's the thing: constantly being on display in the digital world can mess with your cabeza. a study from the journal of social and personal relationships found that excessive use of dating apps can lead to increased loneliness and social anxiety.

it's like we're all on display in a digital vitrine, waiting to be judged and found wanting - constantly, over and over again. i really don’t think we’re even wired to handle that much compounded rejection! or maybe i’m just ugly. kidding! i’m fucking gorgeous.

don't get me wrong, i'm not here to shame anyone for using dating apps. dios mío, no! para nada. if swiping brings you joy (or at least some decent memes to share in the group chat), swipe away! but for me? i'm starting to think it might be time for me to remember how to human again.

psychologists suggest that face-to-face interactions can lead to stronger connections and better relationship outcomes. it turns out that actually seeing someone's facial expressions and body language can help you gauge compatibility better than a carefully curated profile. who knew?

so here's my challenge to myself (and to you, if you want to join me on this wild ride): this week, i'm going to put down the phone. i'm going to look up, smile at a stranger, maybe even strike up a conversation. who knows?

i might just stumble into the kind of love story that's too good for a dating app bio.

or, more likely, i'll make a fool of myself, have some awkward encounters, and end up with enough material for at least three more blog posts.

either way, it's got to be more interesting than swiping left on another guy holding a fish, right?

until next time, may your matches be plentiful, your ghosting be minimal, and your love life be as spicy as your abuela's sofrito.

con amor y esperanza,

edgard 🌈💖✊🏽

p.s. if this post made you laugh, share it with your single friends. misery loves company, especially when that company is equally fed up with dating apps!