sorry, my trauma's not on the menu

navigating pushy people and nosy questions

tl;dr: surprise, bitches! 🎉 i’m dropping a bonus post before officially returning from vacation. ever been pressured to spill your guts on command? from nosy coworkers to pushy dates, i've learned the hard way that not everyone deserves a backstage pass to your soul. i’m giving you real talk on setting boundaries and why it's okay to keep some chapters of your story private. your emotional energy isn't a 24/7 drive-thru, and that's more than okay. consider this your pre-game for my full comeback on september 9th! 🛑✨

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Photo by Nicolas Gras on Unsplash

hey mi gente! 👋🏽

i tend to be a very open book. like, we're talking "windows to the soul" level of transparency here. while, of course, i do keep many things to myself (i gotta have some things to myself 🤫), i really do tend to be an oversharer.

i'm not sure if this is because i seek to connect with people relentlessly, or if it's just another quirky feature in the fun bag of fuckery that comes with adhd.

real talk? there've been way too many times throughout my life when i've word-vomited my deepest darkest to someone who, in retrospect, probably should've only gotten the cliff notes version. these painful and costly lessons pile up over time. they've afforded me some hard-earned peace and wisdom, sure, but they've also led to me starting to close up shop in many instances.

i've gone from being an open 24/7 convenience store to more of a "by appointment only" boutique. and let me tell you, figuring out who gets an appointment? that's a whole journey in itself.

some folks out there expect you to be that open book 24/7, to bare your soul on command like it's no big deal. but honey, emotional stripping isn't part of anyone's job description. and it's not yours either.

i've had way too many "friendships" with people who turned out to be bone collectors. you know the type - they gather every scrap of info about you, file it away, then whip it out as a weapon when it suits them.

let me give you a particularly cruel and manipulative example from my recent history: i've shared experiences about my own sexual assault to people in confidence, only to have that knowledge twisted and used against me later. talk about a betrayal, right?

so this journey of figuring out who gets the vip pass to my inner world? it's complicated. it's messy. and sometimes, it leaves people wondering why they're stuck in the nosebleed section when others are getting the full backstage experience. but learning to say "nah, not today" to those prying eyes and expectant ears? that's where the real growth is at.

the pressure to perform vulnerability 🎭

the expectation to bare your soul on command is everywhere. it's in the coworker who asks "how are you?" but really means "entertain me with your personal drama." it's in the casual acquaintance who demands to know why you're not in a relationship. it's in the relative who insists you're "too guarded" because you don't spill your guts at every family gathering.

this pressure often hits hardest in queer spaces, where openness is celebrated but sometimes weaponized. i've been in situations where not immediately sharing my coming out story or trauma history made me feel like i was failing some unspoken test of queerness. it's as if there's an invisible scorecard, and vulnerability points are the only currency.

your emotional boundaries aren't up for public vote. that wall you've built? it's not a obstacle for others to overcome—it's your sanctuary. it's the safe space you've created for yourself in a world that often feels unsafe. and honey, you get to decide who gets a key.

remember, guardedness isn't a character flaw—it's a survival skill. it's the invisible forcefield that keeps you from getting emotionally body slammed by every tom, dick, and harriet that walks into your life. it's okay to be selective about who gets to see the unfiltered version of you.

the queer perspective on guardedness 🏳️‍🌈

being queer adds another layer to this vulnerability dance. we're not just navigating personal boundaries! we're constantly assessing safety. every new interaction becomes a split-second decision: do i come out? how much do i reveal? is it safe to be my full self here?

i've been the chameleon, shifting colors to blend in. at my first job in washington, dc, i worked at a residential construction firm. i constantly had to navigate spaces where slurs, racism, sexism, and homophobia were rank - and expected. i wore heteronormativity like an ill-fitting suit. it chafed. it suffocated. but it felt necessary. the emotional toll of that constant performance? it's exhausting in ways straight folks often can't fathom.

but here's the thing: that chameleon skill? it's both a shield and a cage. it protects, yes, but it can also trap us in patterns of self-denial that are hard to break. learning to shed that camouflage with safe people? that's where true liberation begins.

from the closet to the pride parade, we're constantly recalibrating our openness. some days, i'm a rainbow-flag-waving warrior. other days, i'm more subtle than a bisexual lighting palette. and both are valid.

the art of boundary-setting 🎨

boundaries aren't walls. they're bridges you control. they allow connection on your terms. it's not about shutting people out, it's about inviting the right ones in.

i've learned that solid boundaries actually deepen relationships. when i'm clear about my limits, it creates a foundation of mutual respect. it tells people, "i value this connection enough to be honest about what i need."

but let's be real: setting boundaries is scary. it feels like you're risking rejection. and sometimes, you are. i've lost "friends" who couldn't respect my newfound limits. but you know what? good riddance to emotional vampires.

setting boundaries is also an act of self-love. it's saying, "my wellbeing matters." it's recognizing that you're not responsible for managing other people's emotions or expectations. it's understanding that "no" can be a complete sentence. you don't owe anyone an explanation for your limits.

i've had to learn this the hard way. there were times when i let people trample all over my boundaries because i was afraid of conflict or losing them. but the resentment that built up? that was way more toxic than any momentary discomfort from setting a clear limit.

practical tips for maintaining boundaries 📝

1. start small: practice saying "no" to minor requests before tackling bigger issues. it's like emotional weightlifting – start with the 5lb weights before you try to bench press your entire trauma history.

2. use "i" statements: "i feel uncomfortable when..." is more effective than "you always..." it keeps the focus on your feelings rather than putting the other person on the defensive.

3. prepare scripts: have go-to phrases ready for common boundary-pushing scenarios. think of them as your emotional emergency kit. my personal favorite? "i appreciate you asking, but that's not something i'm comfortable discussing."

4. seek support: surround yourself with people who respect and reinforce your boundaries. these are your boundary bodyguards, your emotional entourage. they've got your back when you need to enforce those limits.

5. remember it's a process: you'll mess up. you'll let someone cross a line you didn't mean to. that's okay. boundaries are a practice.

6. listen to your body: often, our bodies signal discomfort before our minds catch up. feeling suddenly tired, irritable, or tense in certain interactions? that might be your boundary alarm going off.

remember, mi amor: your emotional energy is precious.

you're not obligated to be an open book for everyone who demands a read. curate your audience. protect your peace. your story is yours to share on your terms.

and here's the real tea: as you get better at setting boundaries, you'll find that the right people – the ones who truly care about you – will respect them. they might even thank you for showing them how to better connect with you.

so stand firm in your right to choose what you share and with whom. it's not just self-preservation, it's self-revolution. in a world that often demands we bare our souls for entertainment or validation, choosing privacy can be a radical act.

ask this mess: i'm not your secret keeper (but i kinda am) 🤐💣

your turn to share 🗣️

have you ever felt pressured to be more open with someone than you were comfortable with? how did you handle it? share your experiences in the comments below. let's create a space where we can all learn from each other's boundary-setting journeys.

hasta la próxima, mis amores! 💖

edgard✊🏽🌈

p.s. if you've ever felt guilty for not being "open" enough with someone, drop a comment below. let's remind each other that our emotional boundaries are not up for negotiation!

p.p.s. and if you're reading this, carol from accounting, i'm sorry but no, i don't want to grab coffee and "really connect." my therapy sessions are on tuesdays, anyway.

further reading 📚

1. "set boundaries, find peace" by nedra glover tawwab

2. "the velvet rage: overcoming the pain of growing up gay in a straight man's world" by alan downs

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that's right, it’s time for the substack sommelier! honestly the idea of calling this the substack sommelier made me crack up. so i went with it. why? because i can, and also because it sounds bougie af. me? a sommelier? the dude who'd eat tostones for every meal if his doctor didn't threaten to throw hands? por favor. 🙄

but here's the thing - i may know shit about wine, but i do know a damn good substack when i see one. and honey, have i got a vintage for you:

introducing "banana delivery" by Corey Banana . and let me tell you, this shit is bananas. b-a-n-a-n-a-s. (yes, i just quoted gwen stefani, lol. let me be a goofball, please.)

corey's writing? it's like a perfectly aged rioja - bold, unapologetic, and leaves you with a lingering aftertaste that has you coming back for more. her posts are the literary equivalent of that friend who always tells you when you have spinach in your teeth - brutally honest, but always from a place of love, personal sovereignty, and above all - self dignity.

from dissecting the sexual tension with office supplies (girl, same!) to navigating the murky waters of "boy moms and emotional incest," corey serves up piping hot takes that are fearless and incisive.

and can we talk about her fearlessness? this woman will stand on business and not give a single flying fuck what you think. it's refreshing af in a world of wishy-washy hot takes and cancel culture panic. she gives me courage. real talk? i think i have a substack crush on her!

so, mi amor, if you're thirsting for some content that'll make you think, laugh, and possibly clutch your pearls, give corey banana a try. trust your sommelier on this one - it's a pairing that'll leave you buzzed on authenticity and craving more. salud! 🍌🥂